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my shattered heart

so i was the one to say the words, to put the ring back into your recieving hand.

we were supposed to have become a happy married couple today but we became two disgruntled single people.

I said I love you because I do and to talk to me if you needed to talk because I wanted you to tell me I could talk to you.

You always thought that i had friends to talk to but i don't. their lives are so shiny and filled with light and to go tarnish it with my problems especially when I think I am the Problem is not feasible for me.

I don't have a wonderful man anymore. I pray that he continues to find himself and grow to have a beautiful family that ill probably be envious of and a nice compassionate wife.

I don't know what to do with myself. Usually people  who break up with people have somewhere to go, something to focus on. I feel like a dunce at work a pretender and i'll soon be found out and kicked out. I feel like my relationships with people all over are so shallow. My ex wonderful man who is stern in his own way even noted that I'm so antagonistic toward all and even those trying to help [Tangentally, I wont say I was right to be standoffish on 20180819 when mother was talking to us but I didn't want to be there.She was saying things that were for you to hear with expectations that i would enforce them while you were listening to things she said with expectations that I would remember what she said and just tell you what to do while I listened in agony because I had things to do for a scholarship application and felt no ability within me to carry it out and how my life and goals seemed so far away and unattainable.] and also how my expectations for life are based on others highlight reels. That may have been true. And it is also true that just a little bit of:

  • gift wrap and a heartfelt note on the gifts you do get for me would have made me feel like time and thought was put into. I think some time could have been snucked out from reddit and imgur and youtube time.
  • privacy and some words about what I mean to you before meaningful moments in our lives would have made them more meaningful and less squished into another event or resembling a normal ordinary day event.

even now, I would never say that school took away from my ability to love you properly or you took away from my ability to apply myself at school or work. No both are my faulty i'm a sucky human.

You've always said that you don't do breaks and that if we end it its for good. I thought you would be more flexible anyways.but no you were hard and unflinching. I am sorry I tainted the heirloom passed down to you by your beloved grandmother. I wore it with pride but If I saw us going down this path I would have said no or hold on for a bit before I said "Yes."
But then you said to let you know if I change my mind while you browsed on the internet. And then you told me again while I was in the car. I don't know what I was expecting but something, some attempt to change my mind.
Its funny I once felt abnormal because I had and would never experience a break up. hahahahahahahaaa. You say I broke up with you but why do I feel broken up with?

I don't know when I'll stop breaking out in fits of volleying between restrained sobs and crazed laughing all while pumping saltwater down my face.

I don't know when you will i want to do my best to not try to find out.
I don't know if breaking up was the right thing to do. I don't know if I should say I've changed my mind. I don't know if anything has or will change. I don't know if you are considering these things either. I don't know if I'll tell you I've changed my mind in a month how  that will look like. If I tell you I've changed my mind what does that look like. Have i changed my mind?

I guess I'll just go back to my other plan live to die. write my yearly wills. try my best. Fill my time with activities maybe more structured this time so I can actually become good at something. I don't think i'll love again. Here's to dying young and maybe accomplished. Just have to make sure my bank account can cover my funeral and either turned into a glass paper weight or paint for a one of a kind painting maybe by art from ashes or cremation solutions.

I know life makes it hard,
but stay bubbly... till your end does come. (not a threat to your life but a show of how I await my end.)

I started thinking of ways to stop being but i still want what sliver of a chance at heaven with God, whom I feel far from, to remain.So I'll just wait for something, someone to kill me. but I can't do reckless things till i'm thirty because I know deep within me that God told me I would not be dying till I am 30 years of age and thus I could sustain an injury or disability and have to live with it till I die. So I'll just wait and try to live in the mean time.
TYB

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