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a letter 20250507

I'll be walking this May. Across a stage where my graduate adviser will hood me in recognition of my earning a PhD in plant science.

I'm happy to be finished. and at the same time lost.

I don't like how I finished. My defense presentation is not something I am proud of. I wasn't prepared because I had only fully practiced once! I had several technical issues happen, I did not have food for the audience or my committee. I had intended to record it but I am happy that there is no evidence of it. (But maybe seeing it I might think I wasn't that horrible.) I am scared to even discuss it with my advisor because I already know i was shit. My son is very cute but I think it would have been best for him to be at a separate location. 

I am failing at home life and at research/academia or job application. 
I feel as though I am unwanted by Jim. I think i am failing to communicate well at all
I think i should have run that email to IBBR HR by him first before sending it. It might have caught him unaware, or maybe not even sent it. Now i think what if he's sent another email to them saying he wants nothing to do with me in association.

I feel aimless and do not think I have anyone to talk to. No, a more honest truth is there is no one to guide me through it because they have been through it or anyone that is not already exasperated by me.

Jim said he doesn't know what i am doing here (lab). I felt like he didn't want me there and also i don't know what I am doing. 
I am pulling at straws. I was at lab so I could get some Maxifort cuttings after the plants were decapitated for rootstock. I was at lab so I could potentially get a refresher on grafting or just do it again, do something with my hands. I was at lab so that I could do these things in case i get the grant. This may be stupid behavior. Maybe i should just wait for the results instead of working ahead for something that never comes. 
I think the only thing I should focus on is the affiliate application, applying for jobs, and learning code and practicing bioinformatics with the TMV sequence data



TYB

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