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So I want to recluse: What it's like to be a depressed recluse.

The world isn't going to care that you aren't there anymore. The shadows will welcome your presence the seams rip easily allowing thorns to embrace unclothed skin. Your thoughts will take you further into a dooms day future than anytime machine ever could. Your heart will burn and freeze and thaw. From your eyes will flow endless rivers and grow untamable flames. You recon neither fame nor infamy by turning in, being a one dimensional point, building up walls that reach for extraterrestrial life, digging holes past China and into another dimension, cocooning yourself with blankets as wide as space or time...
You will be unmissed. What could be missed?  Fractions of a shattered shoddily mirrored glass? A magnet that dies in second? A battery unable of providing power? Holey umbrellas? shambled roofs? Unsteady rotted floorboards?
Don't bother trying to be something to someone somehow. Its too late, they'll see right through you. You will see through yourself reflected in their eyes. the world will see right through you. Happiness will always face just so it can back away from you. Purpose is hidden from you in the cavernous core of your heart. Courage is lost in ever changing labyrinth of thoughts and consistently taunted by monsters, the machinations of your feeble mind.  Reprieve is overcome by the cancerous nature of the feeling and emotions you are so susceptible to.
Instead, try being the one for yourself with little steps.
All you have now is yourself and only you to help.   Acquire some boots with straps. They don't have to be yours, they don't even have to be yours. Wear these boots. This may sound impossible but grab a hold of those boot straps and pull up. Keep pulling up until you can pull yourself up. You may or may not actually be able to pull yourself up by the boot straps but by continuously trying to, you are readying the muscles necessary to grab a hold of and climb yourself up a rope if any do drop down to you.
You dont even have to find your courage first. Instead, use your kindness. It never left you. What happened is you never applied it to yourself. Your kindness to yourself can embolden you.

I wrote this for myself to try to help me because I seem to be hoping and waiting that someone, a friend, a lost friend, family, my caring partner, God would notice and fully pull me out of the dark that I have siphoned myself into and embrace me till I am one piece of human again. But i know that the first steps have to be from my side. but reaching out and just telling someone how discombobulated my existence is is hard. I can't really be that vulnerable...; they'll call me weak they'll say suck it up; they'll say I made my bed and now should lie in it, they'll hug me and say 'it will be alright,' they'll start walking on eggshells around me, they'll be discomforted by my presence; our relationship may become one-sided, they'll greet me with "what is wrong," they won't share their own problems vulnerabilities with me. I've already lost friends who didn't consider ours a friendship and it may be easy to say "their loss. f*ck 'em"  but my self serving bias is so weak. Instead, I feel like the dead weight that was shed, is being shed. like maybe the relationship was toxic to me too, making me believe this is how friendships go when the other side didn't even see it as a friendship. But no I don't see it that way. Most of the time I think of all the things that I may have don to spoil the friendship. 

I have tried to grow my relationship with Jesus because I can remember one of the happiest seasons of my  life was when I felt so close to God. But it seems so impossible to get to that point again or to create a new lasting relationship. I feel like trying to get close to him now is to live up to the expectations of the earthly representatives like other Christians, pastors, and the rules deduced from the bible. So I just wan to start with loving me the way"Jesus loves me" even with all the mess and the flaws and the suicidal thoughts and vengeful plans that I concoct viciously but feel too guilty to act out or know that vengeance only further pulls me into the dark. 

So the boot straps: kind words to self, forgive self, do self betterment.


I know life makes it hard to, but
Stay bubbly,

-TYB
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