I always thought my brother and I were in it together and i was a little better off, but I was wrong. He is a whole other different person. I'm just too stupid and self absorbed to have realized.
I thought both he and I had problems relating and communicating with other people. I also thought that he wasted time on the computer playing games all day long. I was severely wrong.
My brother is a very level headed boy with dreams and aspirations which he has plans for. I couldn't resist:
"He got that ambition baby look in his eyes."
I want my mother to also come to this realization.
Stop here. It only gets more depressing.
Now it's make it or crumble up time for me. Going through my life as if I were I island and that no one is there or that I can't help anyone should stop. When I was young I always thought I'd break out if my self and be reborn anew all my imperfections vanished into thin air. But it's turning out for the worse. One person I held in high regard other than my dearly missed Dad keeps telling me I'll end up alone. It's sad because she was only affirming what I foresaw in my deepest of hearts.
I always thought that my family was falling apart but it's because I was looking from an outsiders point of view.I always tried to distance myself like the vane stupid big girl that I am. Even at a young age I showed signs of immense vanity. I wanted to post pictures if my very loved dad on a SNS but decided not to because I thought what if they start saying he's ugly and making fun of me or something similar. So I hid. I have this bad habit of wanting to please people or to control what people think of me. I want to act accordingly to fit a mold that is pleasant in the eyes if the majority of those who behold.
My sister even threatened to cut all ties with me and then I'd be alone. I would be on an island, stranded and the only way out would be to dive head first into the shark infested waters because even though there are numerous helicopters hovering above with escape ladders dangling down, I don't think the people know how much of a burden they are asking to take on. And even if they thought they did, the ladders all look weak and frail to me. I don't want to cling to one and then come crashing back down to the ground like like a bottle of wine. I'd rather my break now than to have hope and then come to realize it's only he shadow of hope a long distance off.